Author: admin

More postive reports from my world. My part time job is now two weeks old and I’m really getting into it. Selling DirecTV and Dish Network over the phone is not bad at all. My first week, I got 8 sales, which is 6 more than someone new who normally has phone sales experience. So, it makes me feel good that I’m doing good at something that I’ve not done in the past. As far as my life with Reba, I continue to keep going with making my life better. We have decided to talk once a week (which is extremely hard for me based on how much I love her and how strong my feelings are for her), but I’m doing all I can to respect her time until things move towards us dating again. I’ve written her another letter that expresses how I feel and that I want us to be together and someday be married (WOW! Yes, that’s a big word for me, but it’s something I really want to happen). Am I asking too much? I don’t think so since from our talks, she has said she wants us to be together again. But I know it’s going to take some time to rebuild the relationship and I am not pushing any decision… just letting each week happen and seeing where we are each week. I still have some cool things planned for her (sorry, can’t reveal anything here until it actually happens) and want to spend time with her as I can and talking to help us keep that communication going. I’ve also decided to finally give up my smoking habit. It’s been getting so old lately. I normally smoke Camel Special Lights and decided to buy a pack of really shitty tasting cheap smokes. Man, does that help a lot. These things are so bad, I am actually getting sick from these things. What better way to not enjoy the habit than to switch. I’ve slipped a few times since the 9th of Feb, but hope to be done with it today. I’ve joined the web site quitnet.org and it’s good to read messages from others who are trying to shake their habit. My life has changed and continues to change and I am more excited about life than I ever have been and I look forward to a great future – one that I hope includes Reba.

I tell you, I wouldn’t be writing this without some sort of thought that here my g/f and I are not officially together, but yet it had to be the best Valentine’s Day in my entire life. While I have to admit that there were some things missing (i’ll let you fill in the details on what normally ends a great V-day), I wouldn’t have traded this day for anything. After surprising her with flowers at her work (I took them there before she got there this morning) and some cool little M&M treats, which were reminders from someone who cares about her (the hint here was M & M – as in my name – Marty Mankins). Then with dinner at Chili’s and some really good talking. She could not tell me enough how wonderful of a day it was. And the honest to God truth is that I really did everything because of how I feel about her and how much I want our lives to be together. But the best part was when I asked her how she felt about our future and when she said her hope was that we would be together again, it was all I needed to know that we both wanted the same thing. And being on the end of the issues I brought to the relationship before and being smart enough to learn from my lessons and look forward to the present and the future, it made me even more know that I love this woman and the changes I have made and will make are validated. Not only to myself (as I feel tons better in the last 3 weeks), but to be the man she originally fell in love with and wants to spend her life with. That’s what makes it all worth the pain and the struggle to make the changes I need to….. The only thing I miss more than her is being the cool, happy and fun-loving person I used to be. He’s making his way back…. it’s taking some time, but not as much time as I thought it would take. Thank you Reba… for believing in me and allowing me to show you I am the man that will spend the rest of his life with you.

Time to type out an update on how things are going here. On 1/28/03, I went over to my g/f house and we talked about everything that lead to the breakup. I poured out my heart to her and told her I let too much of everything else in life take importance and that I still loved her and wanted to prove to her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She told me she still had feelings for me and would give me the next two months to get things in order in my life. She also told me that she had a lot of expectations if we were to get back together. I told her I would do everything in my power to be ready to pursue her and fight for the woman I love and to show her that I was able to shake off of all of the bad shit I had let cloud my head. So far, it’s been 2 weeks and I’ve got a part time job selling Dish Network and DirecTV systems. And I can tell you the job is helping a LOT. It keeps me busy at night, and I’m able to break out of my self-inflicted shell I’ve put myself in and really realized that the power within me was always there. I just covered it up with too much of life’s problems. So things are heading in the right direction and in 6 more weeks, I hope to keep posting my results here. And of course, I’ll talk about the “talk” my g/f and I will have at the end of March. I’m really looking forward to doing everything in my power and being ready in every aspect – to fight for the woman I love and want to be with. The hope is what drives me.

As I last reported yesterday, I had only 6 hrs of sleep in 5 days. Well, after getting 6 hrs of sleep in ONE NIGHT, it’s helped me tons. Being a part time smoker doesn’t help either. But my motivation factor has gone up 1000 percent. And that’s adding to the list a lost consulting client that I’ve had to deal with. But I got through it and already have two other leads. As far as an update on where things are with losing my girlfriend last week, it’s still painful. But I want to get myself back into life and enjoy what it has to offer. I’ll be honest. I really want her back, and I have realized the patience that she endured with putting up with me. But the future is unwritten and I want to focus on being the person I miss…. the one who laughs at funny stuff, who makes people laugh, who is able to not be dependent on others for his happiness, but one who wants to be with someone. It’s like the Cinderella song “don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone” I never really liked that song, but it’s been going through my head this last week. And I can tell you, I don’t want to learn that lesson in life anymore. Just want to focus on getting it all back and being the Marty that everyone remembers. I just want to make this a lasting change and not one I have to repeat often. Oh, another song I’ve been listening to that I do like, is by Crazy Town. Hated “Butterfly” with a passion and they sucked at Ozzfest 2001. But it’s called “Change” on their new album “Darkhorse” If you hated that goddamn butterfly song, you should give the new album a listen. It’s on sale at Target for $10 this week and it’s not bad. And I’m pretty bad about writing off bands that I tire of. But an open mind changed that. If anyone wants to drop me a line, feel free. My email address is off my web page ChillyWilly.org

A quick update on the new Zwan CD. I really like it. It’s a lot like Smashing Pumpkins, but different in a progressive sort of way. Listened to it twice so far and I have no doubt it’s going to be in my car for the next while.

I do have something positive to post. The new Zwan CD comes out tomorrow. As a big Smashing Pumpkins fan, I’ve been looking forward to this release since I read about their first show in Pomona, CA. I happen to think Billy Corgan is an awesome musician and I’m excited to hear the official songs (not the fucked up bootlegs out on Kazaa). I’ll be sure to detail my listening review of the CD. Yeah!!

My guess is that people may be tired of reading all of the shit that goes on in my life, but hey… this is a blog and I’m going to post what’s going on. Last week, my girlfriend and I called it quits (officially). A short history… we met in April of 2001, started dating in July and I moved in with her in Sept. Oct of 2001, I lost my job, but we made it ok. My daughter got along with her at first, but the relationship there went south eventually. I moved out in Sept of 2002 (too much negative in my life and it was affecting our relationship)… we still dated, but last week, she called me and wanted to talk about us. So we parted, but are still friends. It’s weird because I knew things had changed after I moved out, and I’m still trying to just take care of myself and get back to being a fun person to be around. But as we talked last Wed., she was starting to dread talking to me (which I understand… I’m not the most exciting person lately… I’m getting better, but it does take some time). And with all of the positives that are going on in her life, we decided that it was for the best. The weird part about this is that now that’s it’s official, it hurts more than I expected it to. Which proves to me that my feelings were strong still…. otherwise I wouldn’t have taken it so hard these last 5 days. Sleep is something I need… in a bad way. I’ve only logged maybe 6 hrs since Wed night and it’s taken a HUGE ASS toll on my thinking and ability to function during the day. I’m tired, but my dreams have been so bizzare and dealing with all that’s happened. We probably won’t see eachother until the end of March when her friend leaves for the military… which is good thing since it will give me some time to get over these breakdown points… and most importantly… GET MORE SLEEP!! So for now, I have no plans for a LOOOONNNGGG time to inflict myself on anyone in any kind of relationship. I’m too respectful of people’s lives. So enough bitching. Time to get to bed. Maybe in a few days, I’ll update on my sleep progress.